This is either the worst or best kind of feeling.

I’d like to cry, to let all that I feel out but the tears won’t fall. I even stared at my curtain for a period of time (let me just say that I felt a strong urge to write “for fucks sake” but I’m trying not to curse as much) so that I could tear up a little bit and feel some relief but that didn’t work. 

Instead, there’s a strange feeling of hotness in my chest. It’s not the pleasant “I’d like to bake cookies and share smiles with strangers at a soup kitchen” feeling. It’s the hotness I feel in my ears when I am livid, the hotness I feel in my cheeks and all over my body the moment before and after I burst into tears. I want to cry. I want to punch something. I want to do anything that will remove this feeling but I can’t. I don’t know why but I can’t. 

I could feel like this because I’m finally learning how to control my emotions or I could be on the brink of a mental breakdown and these emotions are lingering inside of me till a catalyst releases them. I have no idea but this never happens to me. Ever.

“I know how I am, you don’t know how you are” 

I usually would rant about this to someone but, this is something that impacted enough to make me want to write about it. Not to anyone, but to myself. So I can remember, in case I come close to forgetting. 

I’ve had arguments with the person that said this to me many times and many of these times she’s said to me that she has no problem alienating me because I have a “bad attitude”, completely disregarding the fact that my actions are in direct correlation with how I perceive things. If I feel as if I’m being approached negatively and aggressively, I will retaliate. I don’t see why I shouldn’t. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Say what you want about the way I dress, my sometimes excessively foul language— any minor thing you find to be imperfect about me but do not attack my character. To go as far to tell me that I will never make it in life because of the way I “talk back” is bogus. First, I wasn’t aware that me finishing my sentence when you cut me off and raise your voice in order to exercise whatever authority you THINK you have over me was talking back. That is simply finishing the sentence I started, in order to get my point across. Second, I honestly do not comprehend how someone can defend their position so aggressively, stating that I should listen before I speak and yet they are quick to cut me off and yell, when I am speaking at a reasonable volume and tone. Third, you show me respect, I return it. In my opinion, no matter how old the person you are dealing with is, respect should be the number one factor. Respect for yourself, so that you do not overstep your boundaries as well as respect for the other person, so that you— again —do not overstep your boundaries. It’s necessary and there’s no way around it. It’s disgusting, YES— DISGUSTING, that you could think for even a fragment of a second that you could belittle me and I would be okay with that. If you cannot give me respect, then in my opinion, I should not waste time reasoning with you and or entertaining your conversation. It doesn’t matter what point you’re trying to make.  If you cannot return respect, I will no longer give it and if that makes me bad mannered then so be it.

I will not be talked down to.

I will not be disrespected.

I will not be treated as any less than I am.

That’s how it was yesterday, that’s how it is now, that’s how it is going to be tomorrow, and that’s how it will always be.

I know how I am, it’s you that doesn’t how/ who I am.

I’d like to burn things right now.

Whenever I feel that I may be reacting to a situation irrationally aka whenever I “get into my feelings”, I silently have a fit and then hours, days, even months later I confess to my feelings because as I see it, they are no longer relevant and if I am shamed for them, I won’t feel as hurt as I would if I had confronted them when they were fresh.

Filed under: Things I do to make myself feel better about myself.

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I have no way to express how I feel right now so the above will suffice.